AKA "How to have a discussion with someone you disagree with."
Here I am, sitting in the hostel breakfast room in Lisbon, eating my meal of chia pudding, peanuts, and a banana (gluten- and dairy-free diets by allergy not choice, hello!), and I hear two men talking about the ridiculousness of letting children decide to change their gender at age five, and how they don't believe gender fluidity exists. I hear a second comment from one of them and I decide to speak up, using my classic devil's advocate phrasing: "But what about [insert dissenting opinion here]?" Here I am, eavesdropping and deciding to f*ck politeness and make an opposing comment. Is this me?! It is now!
They fire back with their own "What about" and throw in some digs on the psychological studies I just cited as evidence, which I counter but also agree with on certain terms. The conversation gets heated (cue my rapid heartbeat), but our voices are never raised. We question each other's educational upbringings, ask where each other found such-and-such information, calling each other out on unfounded opinions, and the like. Between us sits a woman who is visibly angry (when I first interjected, she looked at me, shook her head, and mouthed "Don't even try" - seems like she's been in the middle of this before). She gets madder by the second. In the middle of our discussion, she yells at the men with her voice and her hands and walks away.
"Your friend seems angry," one of them says.
"Yeah, she does. So anyway -" I say, continuing the discussion.
"You know her?"
"No."
"Ah, okay, proceed."
We continue to talk, and even though our opinions continue to diverge, the conversation becomes calmer and calmer as time goes on. We say things like, "Ah, now I understand what you were trying to say earlier," and, "Okay, I thought you thought this and not that, now I get it." We end the conversation once I finish cracking open the last of my peanuts, and the man closest to me offers to shake my hand.
"It was nice meeting you," he said, "and even though we don't agree on many things, you see, we could still have a discussion about it. But that girl - she just got angry. And I don't like it when people do that."
I'm sure the woman who left had many good things to say, and could have opened up a lot of room for new ideas in our minds during the discussion, but she left too soon, frustrated with her perception of the men's ignorance. I can't say I blame her for getting angry, however. I was, too, but managed to contain it because of breathing practices I've learned over the years. I still don't know quite how I didn't make a fool of myself.
I think back to all the times during our conversation where I didn't want to be calm, because I thought that being calm would show these men and the people in the room who are *obviously* listening or at least hearing everything we're saying that I'm agreeing with them. But that isn't true. Letting other people talk and listening with respect is not agreement; it's allowing a conversation to unfold, allowing disagreement to start a conversation, not end it.
If no one listens, or if everyone believes the other will not care or want to change their mind, discussion doesn't happen. It's cut short. No room for change is made possible.
I hate arguing. I hate it. But I appreciate discussion. Arguing means raised voices, anger, and walls against contradictory opinions. Discussion means conversation, openness, respectful dissent and offerings of new perspectives. I'll admit my adrenaline was going during the first half of our conversation - being up against two men who are much older than me and might have better education and experience than I (one had a degree in biochemistry) can be a *little* anxiety-inducing. But I'm so happy I stayed and continued the conversation. Who could've thought that two parties with opposing views could end the discussion with a handshake and several "it was nice to meet you's"?
Who knows, maybe nothing I said convinced them of anything. But maybe it made them think. At the very least, we showed each other that we respected each other's opinions. Maybe that's the best place to start. Maybe that's where the greatest potential for change is planted.
The other moral of the story is that wow, political discussions that segue into psychology, biology, and the ethics of personal choice sure wake you up better than any cup of coffee could.
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